The Answer to WHY?

My second shoulder surgery went as usual but when I came to I had to think my surgeon made a horrible mistake. Like he screwed up mistake. My arm was soooo tingly and achy and half-asleepy and I did NOT experience that the first time 'round. So I got fibromyalgia. I thought only old, decrepid people got that but no, I can too. And it sucks when you don't have good drugs for it...which I didn't get for 6 months until I went to a rheumatologist. While seeing this doctor she finds a lump. I just thought everyone's necks felt that way and was only told to self-check my ta-tas, never my NECK! Turns out I had a tumor on my thyroid and it was cancer and it spread to surrounding lymphnodes and I'm 29.

The day the doctor called to tell me the biopsy was malignant was the day my step-daughter's mother got admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. 4 days later she was dead. She was 36. It was the freakiest thing. The pneumonia turned septic on Friday. She was put on a ventilator Saturday. She cardiac arrested on Sunday which caused a massive stroke. She was unresponsive and tested braindead on Monday. She died on a Tuesday. My step-daughter is 13 years old and now lives with me and her dad full-time. It's been quite the adjustment for everyone especially for my 4 year old son who doesn't truely understand what's going on?!!

Through the viewing and funeral and all that I tried to push my cancer aside or at least BACK in my mind to deal with at a later date and I generally succeeded until the day of I got the results from my total thyroidectomy.

I don't know why that day was so hard. I knew it was cancer but it was confirmed by a lab AGAIN and I saw a picture of my rotten-ass thyroid and it wasn't pretty. I cried A LOT. I felt lost and in a fog. I wondered if I was gonna die. I dreamed about my son all grown up and I wasn't there. I thought about how death would feel. I knew God chose me b/c I'm strong but WHY?? That I still don't know and may never til I look at Jesus face to face and ask Him.

Today I got my radioactive iodine treatment. I have to be quarantined b/c I can't expose my kids or my husband or our kittys or our stupid shark (that jumped out of his tank a few weeks ago and bit me when I was trying to save his life) to all the radioactivity flowing out of me like some superhero. So that's where I sit...in a hotel alone for the next 4 days.